[2/14/22] Mind-Body Monday: The 5 Love Languages
Hello my loves, My name is Casandra MacAlan and in honor of Valentines day I thought I would give a fun talk for you about LOVE LANGUAGES. Give me a heart or thumbs-up if you have heard of this concept or even read the book. This information is based on the work of Gary Chapman and his original book called The 5 Love Languages. I recommend that you grab a pen and a piece of paper before I begin if you want to discover what your love language is today. And If this talk interests you I highly recommend you pick up and read the book, or check out some of the links I will post in the chat of resources I used to share this with you today.
If you don’t feel like you have time, you are welcome to ask a question during the Live that hopefully I can answer or provide enlightenment about. I will be checking the chat in the middle of today’s live at a point to answer questions about the first part of this information, which why I think this is important, before I go on to actually describe and detail the different love languages. I will also answer questions at the end of the Live and, as always you can schedule a free consultation with me via the link in the chat, and I would be happy to help you privately understand how this information can help you and your relationships.
To begin the 5 Love Languages (in no particular order, are): Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
The studies that have been done surrounding this book propose that while many people can receive love in any of the above ways, and appreciate it. Most people have one or two specific ways that make them feel the most loved above all others. Some people might even be put off, or opposed to certain love languages, and therefore might not realize that you are putting a great deal of effort into showing them your love. You, on the other hand, might feel unappreciated and unloved, based on their response.
Because of belief systems like “the golden rule” that we have been brought up with, I think people don’t realize that the kindest act you can do for another person, is not to treat them as YOU wish to be treated, but rather, treat them as THEY wish to be treated.
Now before someone becomes upset because I am discounting an old and beautiful adage, I ask you to consider this..
I think that the Golden Rule is a beautiful mantra for the Chalkboard. It helps teach grade school children the basics of kindness, to keep them from being bullies on a playground, or to help introduce them to social skills, or pair up with like-minded friends, or even find their first love. However, taken into adulthood and used as a formula to get your needs met, or express appreciation, it falls quite a bit flat, and is often ineffectual or even self-defeating.
For Instance, let us say that in an effort to teach our partners what we like and want from them, we show them through our words and actions, the way WE want to be loved. We of course don’t tell them we are doing that, we simply do it. We like physical touch, so we are all over them with affection as often as we are able. Our intention is to show them what we like, by what we give. However, for some reason unbeknownst to us, they don’t give it back in the same way. They don’t initiate physical affection with us, so we end up feeling hurt and possibly even betrayed, that someone we love won’t give us the love we need in the way we have shown them we need it. We were using the Golden Rule and treating them how we would like to be treated. Why weren’t they appreciating it? Why weren’t they reaching out and returning the love we were giving?
Or suppose we love it when our partners cook for us and help us around the house, so we make sure they know this by picking up after them, taking extra time to make sure we have stocked their favorite beverage in the fridge, and try to make dinner for them even when we are exhausted. However, instead of appreciating us in the way we expect, which is returning the acts of service, they just show us how much they appreciate what we have done with hugs and kisses? We may think, “Hugs and kisses are great and all, but I would have appreciated it more if you would have planned dinner tonight.” Again, without speaking we were attempting to follow the golden rule and treat them like we would like to be treated. They appreciated it by showing us how they would like to be treated.
In the end, they end up feeling like they would have rather been romantic and we would have rather had help with the dishes. Discord ensues, because while we are both doing what we have been taught since childhood, neither of us are paying attention to what our partners want, because we don’t necessarily know what that is.
Understanding these languages of love, are a wonderful way to discover what really makes you feel loved and cherished by your partner. It eases your days and your life and increases your appreciation of your relationship. Understanding the difference between Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation, also helps you understand what your loved one most values and how they most feel loved, which enables you to treat them as THEY want to be treated, which in turn makes them feel more valued and generally makes them want to make you feel more loved as well. It also works wonders towards eliminating feelings of frustration or martyrdom, that make you feel like you aren’t being appreciated for all you do, because honestly, they are not paying attention,, Why? because it doesn’t read like Love to them. Does this make sense? Let me know in the chat..
And Just so you understand what I’ve just spoken about and feel it is important for you to know, are not the teachings of the author, and you won’t find this in his book. This is my personal opinion about how we need to shift our perspective as we age, in order to increase our emotional intelligence, and have more fulfilling relationships.
So, before I move on to describe the different languages, I would love to hear your thoughts or questions about this potentially controversial way of looking at information you might never have questioned before.
Okay so let me describe the difference between the different languages. You can also take a quiz online if you are not able to pinpoint your greatest Love Language after my description, or you simply want to know more. The first language is:
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
If you (or someone you love) values words of affirmation, then you need: Compliments, affirmations, kind words, encouragement and appreciation. Before I list some examples, you might want to Take a moment to write down WOA (for Words of Affirmation) on a piece of paper, along with a number between 1-10 that describes how you feel when I give you examples of what this would sound like.
I love your smile
You make me so happy
The way you did that is amazing
I can’t imagine feeling luckier than I do, to have you
I love the way you smell
I love working with you
You are such a kind person
You really make me happy
I am so grateful to have you in my life
I am so proud of you
Do you get the idea?
This is any spoken or written words that support, uplift, confirm, and empathize with someone in a positive way.
What someone who values Words of Affirmation, does not need, is for people to assume that they know how attractive they are, or how loved they are, or how proud of them people are. They are also often very deeply and negatively affected by:
Non-constructive criticism, emotionally harsh words and people not appreciating or recognizing their efforts.
The next language I will describe is:
If your love language is physical touch, then this means that you prefer physical expressions of love over all other love and appreciation expressions, such as Words of Affirmation. While this may seem immediately related to sexual intamicy it also related to non-sexual touch that can also be used to demonstrate love. So grab the piece of paper, write PT and list a number between 0 (not interested at all) and 10 This is where it is at. ;)
Examples of physical touch:
A kiss on the cheek
A back rub
A touch on the arm or leg when you are speaking
A casual stroke as you walk by
Holding a face while you talk
Playing footsie under the table
Cuddling on the couch
Holding hands while you walk
And of course making love
If you or the person you love has a primary love language of physical touch, then you need non-verbal body language to emphasize love. You need non-sexual touch that reinforces that your partner cares, with gentle touches in addition to other more intimate touch.
What you do not need and could create emotional trauma is:
Long periods without physical intimacy of some sort, being given the cold shoulder or feeling like your partner is only giving you affection because you want it, and of course any form of physical abuse.
Next on our list is:
If your love language is Quality Time, then you CRAVE spending fruitful and attentive time with the people closest to you! You feel the most loved when someone makes time out of their busy schedule to spend it with you. What makes you feel the most loved is being the focus of your loved ones attention.
Examples of quality time:
Going on a picnic
Taking a class together
Going to see a game together
Taking a walk in the forest or on the beach
If you lived together, going to bed at the same time
Going out to dinner
Taking time each day to send a loving text
Get in the car and just go for a drive
Having someone put away social media, phones and tv and just talk
Plan a paint and sip night
If you need quality time you crave uninterrupted and focused conversation, one on one time, any time together with your loved one, even if it is just running errands together. You need their whole attention, and love face to face conversations.
So, What’s your QT number? Take a minute to write it down.
What would be very painful to you if you rate high on Quality time, is someone “listening with half an ear, while they manage other things”. Long periods apart. Spending more time with other people than with the one you love the most. And long periods without one on one time.
Next up is RECEIVING GIFTS. If your love language is receiving gifts it means it is your preferred way of receiving affection in a relationship. You feel most loved with your partner gives you tangible items of their affection. Or you may use giving gifts as the way you show your love.
If you love :
Then you feel most loved when your partner remembers special dates and anniversaries.
They give you a card or a note
Bring you flowers for no reason
You get a book they knew you liked
Plan a vacation or get away
Being surprised with a drive by at work and having lunch dropped off
They frame a special phrase or image that you love
They buy you a 50cent toy and a grocery store to make you laugh
They get you a car wash coupon
They make you a CD of your favorite songs
If you feel loved through Receiving gifts, then you need thoughtfulness, and someone that makes you feel like a priority. Gifts on special occasions, and silly gifts just because.
But if you feel loved through receiving gifts, then you don’t need your partner:
Forgetting special occasions or dutiful uninspired or unenthusiastic gift giving. You also don’t necessarily need expensive things. A flower picked on the side of the road can be just a lovely as a professional bouquet. However, the gift does need to show that your partner Knows you and isn’t just giving you something that (here’s the golden rule again), they would like. Or as my friend would say, quoting Marge Simpson, “No Homer, I don’t want a bowling ball with your name on it, for my birthday.” What’s your Receiving Gifts number between 1-10
The last Love Language is ACTS OF SERVICE. It can be defined as actions speaking louder than words. Acts of service are when your partner does something for you that they know you would like, and that generally will take time and effort on their part to make it something special or appreciated for you.
Examples might be:
When your partner cleans the house for you
Offers to go to the store to pick up something you forgot
Asks How they can make your life better, and then does what you ask
Looks for opportunities to serve you
Takes on those chores they know you hate
Gets your car serviced or fills up the tank
Does the laundry for the week
Warms a towel in the dryer for you when you are taking a shower
Brings you coffee in bed
Take care of the kids to give you a night off
Showing love through acts of service means that perhaps someone doesn’t always say they love you, or bring you gifts, but they make sure your car never runs out of gas, or sees when you are tired and takes care of dinner. It means having someone go out of their way to make it easier for you. It comes from knowing your partner well, which comes from asking what your partner needs vs assuming you know it.
If you score high in AOS, the won’t you really don’t need is:
Lack of follow through, or broken promises.
Making work more important than your loved one
Ignoring requests for help
Or making someone else’s to-do lists more important than your partners.
So now if you look back on the scoring you gave yourself you might find that you have a pretty good idea of not just what your primary love language is, but also how the other languages rate for you. This helps you verbalize what you need to your partner, so they are not left guessing about what you want, or treating you the way they want to be treated. It also helps if you know your partners love language, so feel free to share this with them on Facebook, or on Youtube, or I will print out a transcript and post in on my website by the end of the week.
This way you can use the same amount of energy and reap double and triple the rewards by treating someone the way THEY want to be treated, and showing them that you care enough to work at showing them love in the ways they themselves most feel loved. I hope you enjoyed this SPECIAL VALENTINES LIVE and I look forward to continuing our discussion on acceptance next week.
I will go to the comments now!
Take care of yourself for me…